Archive for January, 2010

The Most Ridiculous Person

January 12, 2010
Behold, the titular Ridiculous Person, in all his resplendent glory

Behold, the titular Ridiculous Person, in all his resplendent glory. Click for hilarity

I refer to entry #26 at the Ultimate Start Up Space webpage from a certain Mr. Freddy Ng. Poised against the backdrop of a cheap looking curtain, Mr Freddy tells of his business venture, a haven for studying students. He does this in a manner and tone utterly devoid of panache. His idea as well is asinine and inane.

It’s almost as if Mr Freddy and his group of  equally vacuous friends one day lamented the sad fact that cafe proprietors do not appreciate their sniveling presence, their tacky sandals and cheap shirts which scream “I’M PART OF THIS INGROUP”, and most importantly, their contrived schemes to not actually purchase anything from the establishment. Now, Mr Freddy and Friends probably feel like the Golden Sons of Singapore, and concomitantly a sense of entitlement to deprive any hardworking shop owner from an honest days earnings by refusing to acknowledge the entire concept of capitalism, plopping their lardy asses down on a seat, and ordering the token glass of water which lasts them the entire duration of their self serving pursuit.

Now, perhaps Mr Freddy still does not realize he’s depriving honest people of profit, or he’s simply a spiteful, pestilent boil on the collective bottom of good, industrious folk. So what comes next completely takes me off guard. Mr Freddy then proceeds to dream up a scheme so insipid that a ten year old would call him out on it. His plan involves a safe haven for students to study, without incurring the righteous wrath of shop owners everywhere. What Mr Freddy doesn’t realize is, there are plenty of students in Singapore who are just like him : socially challenged, vapid, self serving study zombies who think nothing of disrupting someone’s meal with their pedantic discussion on the physics of fluids. Calculator toting, stub nosed, weevil faced Mr Freddy is in for a surprise. There will be nary a student who will visit his establishment and repay his hospitality by purchasing his “premium coffee”, which will incidentally taste like DOG CRAP. The nasal toned Mr Freddy whose manner of speaking has entirely been gleaned from primary school oral examinations does not have a clue as to how to tackle anything outside the locus of mechanical engineering, physics, mathematics, or whatever subject it is he pedantically rote learns. I do not expect that it is an oversight on my part to assume that he possesses none of the skill and finesse of a barista.

Mr Freddy, prepare to fail in a manner that can only be described as epic. Maybe you’ll make Failblog. The entry, titled “The Coffee Service” can be voted down at http://www.ultimatestartupspace.com.sg/#/rate-entry/26

p.s The act of mugging refers to robbing someone. Not studying.

The Abridged History of the Singapore Sling

January 6, 2010

The Honourable House vs The Esteemed Opposition

The Honourable House vs The Esteemed Opposition

A Pointless Rant/Open Letter to the Evil Proprietors of Raffles Hotel

Dear Whoever,

Let the wide open world take heed of the ghastly shame you have brought upon the toupeed heads of your stodgy old clientele! In their turgid bellies lie the traces of your vile pre-mixed concoction. Reprehensible! How will they fashion themselves after the likes of Somerset Maugham and Joseph Conrad when the noisome taint of premixed cocktails has tarnished their artistic proclivities? No longer will they be able to pat their turgid bellies, placated by an authentic cocktail, feet raised upon the back of a sweaty Chinaman and claim to be real gentlemen made of the honour wrought by enduring their White Man’s Burden?

How shall they write epic tomes of less than heroic knavery and/or societal disillusionment when they become cognizant of the bastard-brew in their bellies? How will their corpulent wrists blunt the nibs of their pens with tales of splendorous sword fights? How will they thumb at their oval spectacles and comment on the tepid air while savouring the finest hand-rolled cigars exquisitely crafted from tobacco painstakingly nourished with the sweat of the natives?

You have failed them, and how you have failed them!

Signed,

An Angry Gentleman

The “Real” Singapore Sling

The original “Singapore Sling” wasn’t even called the “Singapore Sling”, it was known as the Gin Sling or the Straits Sling. Cocktail aficionados attribute the creation of the enticingly pink cocktail (originally created for the purposes of females who were too mannish to drink an Old-Fashioned and too coquettish to drink  Whiskey on the rocks) to a certain Ngiam Tong Boon.

The earliest versions of the Singapore Sling did not have their manliness further subverted by doses of citrus juices, while the contemporary incarnation served up at the Long Bar is served up with generous amounts of pineapple and lime juice. Ironically, the current Singapore Sling is enjoyed by a much larger audience and isn’t reserved for effeminate men. But irony be damned I say, and cheers to everyone who imbibes the pallid pink drink that puts Singapore on the map.

In all honesty, the aversion to pre-mixed cocktails I get, but what of the difference in ingredients?

Here is the version served at Raffles Hotel circa 2010

30ml Gin

15ml Cherry Brandy

120ml Pineapple Juice

15ml Lime Juice

7.5ml Cointreau

7.5ml Benedictine

10ml Grenadine

A Dash of Angostura Bitters

Garnish with a slice of Pineapple and Cherry

Here is a version from Robert Vermiere’s Cocktails and How to Mix Them, circa 1922

Straits Sling

2 dashes of Orange Bitters

2 dashes of Angostura Bitters

1/8 gill of Benedictine

1/8 gill of Cherry Brandy

1/2 gill of Gin

Pour into tumbler and fill up with cold soda water.

In conclusion, don’t recoil in abject horror at piddling details, don’t pretend to be worthy of the charm of Raffles Hotel in its heyday, don’t thumb your nose at the offending citrus juices. Simply refer to the second recipe presented above and do it yourself.  Don’t make the proprietor of Raffles Hotel any richer if you don’t like his Singapore Sling, and most importantly, don’t throw your arms up in exasperation when your concoction doesn’t taste half as good as the pre-mixed one at the Long Bar.

There are waaay too many conflicting reports by stoic defenders of the original Singapore Sling and exhortations of change by witless people who claim that the citrus juices add a “floral bouquet” to the cocktail. There, its settled :  We’ll Just Never Know, Will We?

Also, take note that this is a blog and not an encyclopedia, not even one of the internet policed variety.

Spay Me?

January 4, 2010

This is not a difficult equation.

The following is an example of  “Columbus’ Egg”.  Columbus’ Egg refers to an idea that seems simple, or easy once it has been discovered. Columbus, upon being challenged that the discovery of America was a simple feat, posed the following conundrum to his critics : Make an egg stand on its tip. After confounding his critics for several days, Columbus stridently but gently tapped an egg’s tip, cracking it slightly and flattening it. It stood.

Not only a Crowning Moment of Awesome, the EGGVENTURE discombobulated his critics who ended up with EGG ON THEIR FACES.

Ahem.

I chanced upon another annoyingly in-your-face-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that entry at http://www.ultimatestartupspace.com.sg, which involves the sale of perfume by the spray. Analysis by very bored or very observant people indicates that a typical 50ml bottle of perfume allows for approximately 375 sprays. If this guy and his grandma want to sell his service for 50cents a pop, they can swim in a lake of silver coins. Or, if they decide to double it to a very reasonable dollar a pop, they can swim in a sea of gold coins. Either way, it probably will work. Why? Because people are short sighted.

Why would you pay a hundred for a bottle of perfume when you can go down to the shop when you need to, to have someone who occupies The Easiest Job In The World spray you and have you cross his palm with a coin? It’s just like buying cigarettes by the stick in Thailand. You don’t notice because you can pay for your stick with the bounty gotten from the uncharted recesses of your couch, but you die..eventually. Maybe that was a bad analogy, but you get my drift.

I hope, if the idea does succeed, that they never introduce a “credit” system. People would see the Machiavellian scheme for all that it is, and never, ever return to have their odoriferous bodies made morally admissible by the cleansing fire of Chanel No.5.

Besides, do you see the felicitous existence led by Duck McScrooge in the title picture? Do you? He is diving into a pile of coins. A pile of gold coins. His fowl-ish features embody joy incarnate, the abundance of which radiates outwards in a halo of  neurons firing unadulterated dopamine, contorting his face into an enraptured display of avaricious glee. The flowers sown in the grey matter that is fowl brain bloom in all their resplendent colours, the birds which nestle in his headspace tweet their enthralling sonnets in a timbre befitting the aural equivalent of saccharine sweet milk and honey, and the vestal farmer’s daughter proclaims her love for assisting the big veiny woodcutter in all his wood-felling gallantry with a lilting haiku. The Duck is happy.

As long as you aren’t TV’s Monk, you would want to dive into a pile of gold coins. Diving into coins makes anybody happy. What better way to amass  a vault of coins  than to sell perfume spritzes for shillings?

p.s “Spay me baby” isn’t an embarrassing typo which I first concluded upon initial viewing, it’s because of a grandmother who is the corporeal form of adorable. Go look at the video. That, or the entrant is oblivious to the ignominy of being spayed.

Here’s the video : http://www.ultimatestartupspace.com.sg/#/rate-entry/13